20歳のブルース

“The blues is within you.”

This is the statement made by the tutor to his student who lost the courage to face life. I am fascinated by how this drama called “Blues of a 15-year-old” pointed out the positivity of having blues.

Blues is defined as a state of depression or melancholy. And so with this meaning, I have concluded the unconstructiveness of having such.

I remember myself with my sentiments nearly matching with this word’s definition. I am often writing my blues, I am singing my blues and so on. I am a person full of blues. How it helps me move on with life? -that I don’t know.

In a way, when I think about my upcoming graduation, I don’t feel any butterflies at all. I don’t get too emotional. I don’t remember so much of hardships (because I have this passive personality with regards to every exam’s supposed to be stress factor). All the bitterness of a student’s life is just making this ending sweeter. So the past don’t make me blue.

The opposite though is true for my future endeavours. Looking ahead, I always feel this unexplainable sentiment. Dreaming to be like this and that, causes me to be in a sort of a depressive state. But this state makes me eager to attain whatever that is. I could say that blues is more of; a feeling of discontent; an anxious hope that could be used to make me more diligent in conquering those impossible aims to come true. Of course, by rooting from it in the good cause will make it the only acceptable reason for having it, since depression is contagious.

Let me remind myself though that I don’t have to be so worried for my future.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.”-Matthew 6:34

Blues brings color to life, like how we believe emotions bring life to us. Even though I am not satisfied with my own explanation; that I still ended up not comprehending what the statement means (“The blues is within you.”), I plan to use my blues for my preparation for the board exams.  Maybe one of these days I will understand it better. Until that day comes, I must be diligent.

p.s. whenever I am losing my blues, I would watch a Japanese Drama since they’re the best with providing these kinds of emotions.

.IRS.

Reaction on the topic: From Mice To Men by Yishane Lee

I’m recently into journal-readings. I started looking for articles regarding the most advance cure for hearing loss since I received my diagnosis last August. I have sensorineural hearing loss, the degenerative type. Three years ago, I learned that I have mild SNHL, and was prescribed to take Vit. B12, but since I have an allergic reaction to the said medication, I didn’t comply. I noticed recently that my hearing worsens so I took another audiometric exam after three years in Manila Hearing Aid.

"THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE"
(luxury for us hearing impaired)

The laboratory results are essential to be explained. The normal decibel is 25. On 2008, I got 35, this is mild SNHL, now I got 45 decibels and I fall under the moderate level. In that span of 3 years my progression is 30% (10% per year). The ENT doctor projected that I might reach the 60 year-old level of hearing at the age of 24, and will necessitate using hearing aid soon. I am under a trial and error meds now, Vit A and E for epithelial cell regeneration and Duxaril, a cerebral oxygenator, both indicated to nourish my hair cells on the inner ear.

To give you some view about Sensorineural hearing loss, some points are;

1. Unlike conductive hearing loss, sensorineural hearing loss is irreversible. This is unlike the conductive type which can have the outer and middle ear problems operated and be put back into normal functioning.

2. In SNHL, the cause is unknown. It can be hereditary but usually, like as to my case, we couldn’t trace as to how the illness was acquired.

3. There is no current medication yet that will aid the degenerating hair cell or even CN8. The medications that I am taking now are given in the principle of “it’s better to try something than nothing at all” my doctor is just trying to retire the progression which is certain already. Our aim is to prolong the need for hearing aid until my 30^th year.

4. the most advance cure available is the Cochlear Implant which is quite expensive.

5. The scientists now are still developing the idea of stem cell implantation/ cure for SNHL. That is why the journal that I picked is about the most recent status of the said research.

Stephen Heller is the man behind the idea of stem cell creation.  He uses mouse as models since it is easier to grow their embryonic stem cells than humans. Mammals cannot regenerate hair cells, that’s why having damaged inner ear hair cells leads to permanent hearing loss. With this in mind, developing improvised hair cells whether in mouse or humans will be a tough challenge. Actually, it took him longer years than expected to finally make in-vitro embryonic cells of mouse. The dilemma now is, “How can he do it with human cell?”

People might be wondering why such a simple disability seems to be difficult to solve when actually cures should’ve been developed earlier, knowing that Hearing Loss is the leading cause of disability in the world.

Though we wanted them, as much as possible, to hasten their research, developing it safely is more important than rushing. If at the present, they have discovered the 98% chance of acquiring tumor from the stem cell implantation in mice, then I would say that it is unethical to try it to humans in a “trial and error” basis. Due to this risk also, (the adverse effect of tumor), the researcher shifted its goals from implanting any developed cell to just artificially making stem cells in-vitro and make it the point of study. Meaning, the study wouldn’t largely affect the patient anymore but the artificial hair-cell grown in the laboratory will be the means of research points like; what possible medication can be developed based on its chemical structure? etc.

The possibility of successfully releasing in the market the end product of this research is yet vague in the next years but I am quite certain that in the future, reversing hearing would be possible unlike the almost certain “lifetime” description tagged with this diagnosis.   

I can personally feel how journals like these affect our hope for our future. Every time I read something like this; progression on the hair cell implantation research etc. etc. it somehow gives me the hope of a closer to normal life. What more for those critical situations waiting for breakthroughs just to save a life?

#

ps. i am still wondering if the accident i had years ago caused this, since i am still feeling some numb parts on my occipitus (close to where the cochlea is), but still my doctor thinks the otherwise. 

Anyway, whatever it is, this disability is already part of my life and it is one of the reasons why I am this strong. Always cherish your normal days for they will turn to be your golden ones when illness and disabilities set in.

My Biking 101 Journal

Once upon a time in a far away province named Tartaro, a lady named Jessica tried to ride a bike. Yes, a grown up lady, and she didn't know how to use the bike. A very beautiful girl named Sheena tried to help her but still she stumbled and fall. Next, a big man (literally big) named David came also to help and finally Jessica had some improvement.

Yeah, Jessica improved......a bit. She was able to travel at least for 5 meters. (January 25, 2012)

 Upon getting back to the urbs, Jessica pursued biking with the help of her best friend Michelle.
(February 8, 2012)

And finally, on Feb 15 She and Michelle traveled far enough to say that indeed Jessica learned the basics. =)
p.s. thanks Leslie Mercado for the stop over venue :P, Jane Rose Olivarez for the opportunity to stay in front of Jm's house for a while longer :p and to my audience who laughed at me particularly the man in front of Steph's apartment (when i tried to avoid the Schizophrenic gal) I would never forget your face!

All Under The Same Sky

An excerpt from the Magazine "Ikasa Mo sa Tartaro"; 

Being Away from Family, Friends and Schoolwork

Living the life of a nursing student, what difference would there be to being away from home for a while? The “Legarda life” demands so much that I found seventy-five percent of myself in my Alma Mater and the rest, in our house…which somehow…. also matters.

Looking above, under a starry starry night, I and most probably some of my immersion-mates were wondering about the world 89 kilometers away. Visions of the rest of section 15, our classmates, attentively listening to the lecture, as far as our professor knows, would every so often visit our imaginations and would sigh. Our loved ones, though not certain if they were thinking about us too, persistently stop us from eating the Tartaro Specials, worrying about them; our siblings, daughter, son, girlfriends, husbands and parents we left home. I wondered if Manila was having a starry starry night too, so at least they would get emo over our absence and the thought of it gave me a sense of justice. All under the same sky!

Everyone knows that we deserve a break. I am neither referring to break from school works nor pertaining that the immersion itself is not a workload. I would say though that from all the things we’ve been routinely doing these past years as student: the duties, DLPs, case studies, journals, examinations etc -the Immersion experience miraculously re-attached us from who we are. You know what I mean-- when a person gets too busy, his spirit seems to fade and without noticing, we, the urban people detach ourselves from the soulful earth, hypothetically speaking. If I am wrong, then why do we get so hype up with the relaxing view of the field, the gushing wind from the top of the mountain, the fresh air while walking in the longest road we’ve ever taken, the setting sun and the sense of fulfillment whenever we visit houses from houses being welcomed wholeheartedly by the people inside their homes?

In immersing with the people in the province, we get the chance to focus on our own growth, for a while not focusing on whoever we feel responsible caring for with. We get to see how useful we can be in simple ways, how we can make this nursing profession a vocation, like enriching the reasons to love your work, not focusing on the complexities of the curriculum but on the nobility of this calling.

So now that we are back, we have with us special souvenir, not the Chicharons, Macapunos, Pastillas etc. that we bought from Nanay Elvie but the learning and experience of getting to the basics again. And for me, this is the best that I can offer to my family back home. 

literally attached to earth. ;p

I Run Away From Running

Oh, the grand old Duke of York,

He had ten thousand men,

He marched them up to the top of the hill, and He marched them down again.

And when they were up they were up,

And when they were down they were down,

And when they were only half-way up,

They were neither up nor down.

I wouldn’t know the exact distance from our house to the meeting place. All I know now is that I am walking alone in the street, three a.m. and I see nobody except the guard in the convenience store. In my disappointment, all the shuttle jeepneys are empty and I have to continuously walk faster. My body is starting to warm and my excretory glands are working. Someone passed by me and I am relieved. The sunrise is still far and I am also not very late, yet. I could estimate that from here, I can arrive in 10 minutes, sigh. I haven’t gone through yet the starting point and I am already panting, this is not good. I could tell myself that I am no expert in running and Murukami said that you could easily recognize who among the joggers are beginners, by just observing their breathing. I do not want to make it that obvious though, so I’ll try to make a rhythm. Every second step, that’s when I will take a breath. It works! I am now a beginner trying to look like an expert!

Arriving near Legaspi tower, I already have other students with me. Everyone wears their PE uniform and of course, I am not. I am also trying to look if anybody is wearing something like mine, anything long that doesn’t look like sweat pants, but I’ve passed approximately three groups and I am starting to get worried. I am not sure if this attire is proper, though actually, I know this is not proper! I rather wear this though than show my legs to my schoolmates and let them see how big they are. For the record, I don’t have jogging pants (that doesn’t have AU printed on it). I also don’t have shorts (of course, my brothers’ boxer shorts won’t do) but I have long shorts (not including those men’s jersey shorts my mother would buy in Baclaran every time I would ask her to at least buy me one). To make it simple, I don’t have a choice but to look tomboy again.

And I received a message, it says, “I have with me your bibs and I am near a boardwalk ballon.-Ginnie”. Ok good, I’ll just have to look for them. Continuously running, I realize how thick the crowd is. Well, at least I haven’t seen bunch in blues. Run, run, run, I can’t find them, worse, every corner has boardwalk balloon on it! I am also getting paranoid on how others will react on my attire, since shorts and jogging pants are all I can see. Then finally.

In fairness, not even one badmouthed my get up and my presence, not so much to notice. I just like to stand still and reserve my energy later. I wonder how many hours these people rested since they are so active, talking, laughing and getting so excited on everything. I also noticed those who went here to hunt, it’s so early but their eyes are already working. Their pupils are dilated but I know they hardly see faces, so I conclude that they work really hard. I wouldn’t blame them though, valentines is near. But it’s getting on my nerves. What more, those who passed by you in the line, sometimes even stepping on your foot, not excusing themselves. They just expect you to get out of their way. Yeah, those HRM students don’t have manners.

 I think it is really human nature to talk, but not necessarily a lot. And I just discovered that you’ll do that instinct in any time of the day, even at the height of darkness. I guess, it’s a warm up, like the rhythm I had earlier on my breathing, for when you talk, you hold for a while, then breathe again, then talk again and so on. In anyway, I stay away from talkers, the moon is handsome, partly covers my view though is a half naked tree and completing the spooky set up is the bat, actually a bird that looked like a bat.

Three hours after my arrival, I am still on the same spot. I’m seriously praying that I see the finish line when in fact, I haven’t started yet. My bowel sounds’ rate; 30/min. and all the blood is pooling down. I have neither food nor water, cause I tell you, I try to look like a professional one. Others have with them their backpacks full and I know its inefficiencies. On the other side of the road, the 10K runners are moving, sometimes a celebrity would pass by and so everybody would get fired up. I think the reason for starting this late is because of these celebrities, like for an instance those Ms. World ladies, advocating for etc. I just can imagine how they took time to prepare for this and since they are as important as the 80,000+ participants, hence we wait for them. This is only how I assumed it to be. And at times the ABS-CBN helicopter would arrive and hands are all in the air, like audition videos from American idol where people wait the whole day outside. I can’t wait to start and clear up my mind.

The cool breeze gushes on my face, the space in between us started growing and I can now enjoy shifting from one person to another. I pass by the HRM students, then other blue wearing students probably my schoolmates too, then multicolor shirts I don’t know from where they came from anymore. If only I run alone, probably, I’m twice the distance now, but then again, it’s my first time running with my friends and I make jokes once in a while. I enjoy their company and more important is that on this phase, I could clearly enjoy the view. The view is partly different when I run in CCP, though I am also familiar with this place, having to run on bridges and highways, it feels more. Once in a while, I will pass by some acquaintances and would smile, but a lot more passing by people I find myself criticizing. Like for instance, three girls in very short jersey shorts, sneakers that I imagine shouting for their lives to be spared and long shiny bouncing hair that go the direction of the glorious kaze. If not from their participant’s number, I would’ve mistaken them as drunken, out-of-self ladies, who just came out from Coal in harbor square. In parallel with them are these schoolmates of mine, very familiar but not so interesting faces. These are the boys of the varsity team who do nothing but to run so proud feeling like every attention is on them. The wind blows harder indeed with their presence. Oh! Sorry, I am a kaze friend hence, I am not shaken. I got with me two beautiful ladies though, and I find myself irritated whenever those boys would giggle and look from aside, as if I couldn’t see them from my periphery. I would then put myself in between the space and be in a silent war with these fools.

Everything fascinates, I am so curious on how my mind would think while running. Whenever we see runners, we are assuming that they think about how to move their this and that, how to run faster, how to concentrate etc. etc. but then I found out that mostly, we go blank when we run. Our body, just complying like a machine, it automatically moves, getting used to the phase and becoming a repetitive motion. And our minds, not thinking of anything in particular, random thoughts would occur most of the time; the ladies in shorts, the varsity players, the green scenery from the right side, the busy streets from the left, my former enemies in school, my high school friends, my untying shoe lace, my gurgling stomach, my dry mouth, my phone which could fall anytime from my right pocket and my wallet from my left, my ill fitted shoes, the cool wind later becoming burning heat, the same blue sky everyone is under minna sora no shita, the rising sun from Nihon embassy, the globe, the upbeat music welcoming the nearly finish line and the 80,000 people.

This is a major event; this is something the school even required us to comply with. There is a lot of distraction and there is no competition at all. I wouldn’t say that my first official run had been boring or worse a failure, but I say, I would do it again only if less people will come, a slightly more minor run where I will feel my competitive side though I still do not know if that runner’s instinct even exist within me. I would probably try this route once more since less vehicles pass by even in normal days. I was expecting to learn something from myself but there is none, so maybe next time.

Since this is a big run, roads were closed and everyone has to walk going home. And so we walk and we walk and we walk. Then I run away from running.

Indisputable Pursuit and my SuperEgo

I'm out from duty today cause i got body malaise, which probably is the result of the 3 hour-operation yesterday. We performed cholecystectomy. It was a hard process this time cause the patient has this very thick subcutaneous layer, so the gall bladder obviously is very deep. My task is to help the surgeon see the organ and so i have to retract the obstructing tissues with full force. Mind you, for 3 hours. I almost pass out during that time, the 2nd surgeon even saw me almost asleep. The result, muscle strain with "the timely" sore throat, several aphthous ulcers, and cough that even aggravated the muscle strain in my diaphragm. I woke up still early, battling if it's reasonable for me to skip today's duty, guilt was emanating since i don't have a fever, just body malaise. My brother told me, being sick is a valid reason, and also, feeling guilty on being absent is not "goodness", it's stupidity. 

When times like this comes, i mean, being stuck in the house, with no permission to use facebook, i usually end up writing a blog, editing some stuffs, and also watching Japanese movies. These are the moments that i see my real interest, some things that i really do with all my effort, ever passionate about, leads me to thinking why i didn't take courses regarding these things. 

And i also have been feeling like i have my own photo exhibitions, The Fluke Worm exhibit. 

my subject is my dearest  Diane.

Even from skipping with my duty, which bizarrely what I've been doing this semester (I'm not like this before, but i feel ok with it now, What happened to me?) i still don't feel rested. I've been tiring myself with the computer, i feel like the obligation of making this day productive, still part of my superego. 

by the time i'm ending this, my classmates are probably busy doing some nursing chores. and actually this time, i am having a stomachache. 

A melodramatic account of a two-decade-old girl

Melodramatic adj. synonyms: exaggeratedly emotional or sentimental; histrionic:

What could be sweeter than blogging on your 20 years of life? In someway, it gives me a feeling that I’m opening a chapter of my own biography, though I wouldn’t do that. I’ve been very thankful for the blessing of adventure; that never a page was boring. And also thankful for the simplicity of it, that most of the time I am contented with what I have.

I am young at heart, cause I am yet 20 but by the time I rich my 50s I wouldn’t dare say I am young, I would say “I am old, even at heart.” ; the advantage of growing old is so nice.

I was the typical kid, never did I feel so above others, for whenever I achieve something, I would realize how millions of achievers exist. That when I walk with flying colors, I am just one of the spectrums of the rainbow. This kept me grounded. I often try to achieve things, to win the heart and respect of many, but it never came to the point of satisfaction, for I couldn’t beat everyone. And so I always pray for Him to remove that sense whenever it occurs, thus I wouldn’t be dreadful.

I am a bully high schooler, the opposite of my grade school years. I would often ask my male classmates to give me 1 peso each, sometimes by force, and I would use that for my dessert, ex. Cheese rolls. I commend these bullied boys for never tattling with our professor. I was also the leader of the “touch-boobs and etc. thing” One time, our adviser saw one of my female classmates mischievously touching the boobs of the other, they were punished, but they never reveal who started the tactless acts. And I was saved again.

During High school, aside from studying, which I wouldn’t say as my true forte, I did a lot of extracurricular things. I joined some dance competitions, joined the student council, journalism and the Interact Club which later had a big impact on my college days. I am the typical “malanding” adolescent. I had so many crushes from A-Z, and puppy love/s.

Soon, I started thinking of the future, I started answering those workshops and team building questions like, “What will you be 10 years from now?”, “What path would you take and why?”. etc. We must be very careful in asking these to the youngsters, I advise you, believe me.

You can call me the magnanimous believer. I aspire too much, sometimes beyond the line of possibility. One aspect that I find hard to expunge is the sense of holding on too much into something I consider essential. Yes, I can’t move on (at least when I try to deal with it alone) that’s the time when God’s intercession would set into place.

I used to believe that every decision we make is done with God’s influence, that when my heart desire of getting something, He must’ve a reason for making me feel it. and so I would be so careless into pouring my heart out on the said aspiration. I tend to always expect to win. Though I wouldn’t say it, I end up believing that I will win and it breaks my heart later on. Sometimes, unforeseen circumstances arises that would make your plans impossible to be achieved and how could you possibly get over so easily when you have been looking forward to it for so long, worst for years.

Did God ever tell us to plan for ourselves? The answer is No. God has His plans made before we exist. He is asking us probably to trust in Him, let be what has to be done. That’s why we say Thy Will Be Done. In this case, we would get less hurt.

It’s still probably hard to accept this concept. When do we know if we are at the right or left? When do I stop from hoping? Truly, I say, I dreamt a million times, failed at the same time also. But still, blessings continue pouring, and I am still here standing. The mere fact that I am able to dream again this day means that He wouldn’t get tired correcting us from the crooked path. And though I said it, I decided to plan things again. I don’t know how to live yet without a glimpse of the future though I wish to be someday.

I hope to be useful to humanity, maybe that’s why I like what I am doing now. I hope to be a doctor also, but a bit worried that I would be doing all my consultations for free.

What I am today are the results of my failures in the past. This is a more accurate description of how my life was made the first two decades. I dreamt of other profession but God put me into nursing, I dreamt of studying abroad and God made me depressed for a month for saying it’s not for me. I did a lot of planning for myself but all of them were rejected, else God gave me better story and I see that His’ is a lot better than mine. I continuously dream of things as I say it over and over but I am more flexible now. I matured a bit didn’t I? Just let Him intervene whenever He wants.

To share what my heart desires:

●     I like to build a studio of my own, and practice dancing as long as I want.

●     I want to go back to Japan and breathe the air again cause it gives me warmth.

●     I want to be in a place full of trees and fresh air, it actually gives me a lighter feeling especially when I’ve been spending my week in the urbs.

●     I am tired of wanting to be on the top, I don’t want to dream of topping any board exams, I don’t dream of being any form of laude etc. I just want to do things that make me happy.

●     I want to try live on my own at least for a year, or go to a place where no one knows me.

●     I am not fond of imagining my family in the future, this isn’t a very comfortable topic for me, even being in a relationship, I don’t like the idea. All I want to see for now is myself. Carelessly (not in a negative way) living a happy single life.

●     I don’t want the idea of “searching for yourself”. You are you. You’ve been with yourself since birth. Whatever decision I make, I have to take responsibility for it. This is the best.

●     All I want to say is not that I want to do things my way, I want to emphasize that I must live life in the brighter side. A side where I could see the blessings from simple materials and a life that is happy and right.

And for the record, before I must end the 1^st two decades, God gave me a new challenge. I am also looking forward as to how the main character of this blog would end up in the next decade that He authored.

To give you the preview of the next Chapter:

            The lead role who is a nurse and who happens to be dreaming of becoming a doctor shockingly found out that she is manifesting this impairment called Sensorineural Hearing Loss, a degenerative irreversible problem that no medicine can cure aside from surgery  which is Cochlear  Implant and the currently still being developed; Stem Cell Implantation.

            She was told to be currently at the 50 year old level of hearing and within 4 years will reach the level of a 60 year old, which has profound level of deafness. She is taking lifetime meds in a trial and error method could she be effectively retiring the progression maximally until 30 before finally requiring to have hearing aids.

            Will she be a doctor or not? Will this affect her level of functioning? Will she end up in depression when finally the real symptoms are manifesting?

            The true fact is that, as people become incapable, they are being more aware of their limitations, having the effect of becoming closer to their Creator who is the sole source of their strength.

I like the sound of the birds, the silence of the gushing wind, the subtle brush of the clouds, the moving leaves from the trees. Even without the sound from the earth, life is worth it.